I’m tired of excuses. I’m tired of hearing “this is the way it’s always been done” as an excuse to continue doing it. I’m tired of reading about bars and distributors not taking responsibility for calling something “Mouth Raper IPA“.

I’m tired of being pandered to. I’m tired of this:

Platinum “is a bit more female-oriented,” he said. “They are using Justin Timberlake and they are avoiding sports and marketing on things like the Grammys.”

And I’m really tired of this:

With a higher ABV and slightly darker colored liquid than Platinum, Fortune is aimed almost exclusively at males, including African American Americans and Hispanic consumers, Mr. Kroll said.

Yes, you read that correctly. That Kroll (I’m sure his full name is in that link) specified his slightly darker colored liquid was to be aimed exclusively at males, including African American Americans and Hispanic consumers.

Yeah, ’cause when I reach for a cold one, the first thing I think is a) will it fuck me up — okay, sometimes that’s true — and b) does it come close to matching the color of my skin. 

I may be a bit narcissistic, but I’ve never wanted to literally drink me.

Not content to stop their casual sexism and racism at beer, MillerCoors has now invaded the (hard) cider world. Smith&Forge, which is “MADE STRONG”, because we all know how strong the #1 selling beer in the U.S., Bud Light, sure as hell is.

This truly IS your grandfather’s hard cider. Your out-of-touch, sexist, racist grandpa, that is.

But this Mr. Kroll fella isn’t done.

The brand name for Smith & Forge is a reference to blacksmithing and forging. Marketing will avoid the orchard imagery that is so common with other ciders. “Guys in particular just haven’t felt fully comfortable enjoying cider,” Mr. Kroll said. Smith & Forge really is about bringing the “grit and greatness” back to cider, he added, noting that the cider category was larger than beer in the pre-Prohibition era.

F*ck that “girly” orchard shit, right? Surely cider companies aren’t yet wildly successful because men don’t see it as manly enough right? And are we SURE women can’t be or weren’t blacksmiths? It’s 2014, grow up, MillerCoors.

I drink high ABV cider, I drink more sessionable cider. I drink cider from Corvallis that’s 10.5% ABV and tastes like a barnyard, I drink cider from Tieton that’s 6.9% ABV and tastes like apricots.

I’m betting most other cider drinkers do, too.

I don’t want dudes drinking (hard) cider if the can or bottle makes them uncomfortable. Hell, I don’t want women drinking (hard) cider because “flowery orchard” imagery makes them comfortable, either.

I want to drink (hard) cider that tastes great, I want to drink (hard) cider that’s made with local-as-possible apples, I want to drink (hard) cider that made by a cider maker I just met.

I want to drink fancy apple blends, and I want to drink pure single varietals.

I don’t want to drink processed apple concentrate injected into an aluminum/glass advertisement vehicle.

I’m betting most other cider drinkers do, too.

Screw your advertising, MillerCoors. Take your grit and shove it.

(An earlier version of this post accused MillerCoors, not their marketing/advertising, of being racist and sexist. That was a mistake on my part, and I make no such claim against the company itself.)