You’d think that everyone who grew up near Seattle would be a coffee expert. Having been exposed to wave after wave of new coffee shops, all Seattle residents and the outlying suburban dwellers would be gifted with an innate ability to pick the best beans, roast them at a particular temperature and be able to tell the difference once you’ve been served a cup via whatever method you prefer. Actually, if you think about it, Seattle should be less known for coffee and more known for making espresso drinks cool. Everyone has always drank coffee, they just pay more for it now.

But however you see Seattleites and their supposed superiority, I’m not really one of them. Sure, I like my Starbucks because I’m familiar with it and have been blessed to live near a lot of good coffee shops in my life, but the only thing I know about coffee drinks is that I’d like the syrup first, then the shot – opposite if it’s a mocha – followed by the milk, then stirred. It pains me when I see it made any differently, and YES YOU CAN TELL. And no, I don’t like my espresso drink SHAKEN, nor do I want it not stirred, which is perhaps the stupidest fucking thing I’ve ever seen. I paid $3-6 for a drink and the goddamn barista can’t stir it? Who the fuck does he think he is, a famous photographer?

Anyway, so I’m going to review a few local Phoenix coffee shops and because I don’t know shit about how coffee or espresso is supposed to taste to me, I’m going to compare them to the biggest stereotypes of girls we all tried to fit our high school friends into. Argue all you want about my methods, and I implore you to think about them before you get into some foodie hissy fit.

Lux is the really hot chick who bloomed early, got laid a lot, and is now very easy
You know the type. She had a rack in junior high, always had an older boyfriend and probably smelled like smoke a lot. She definitely drank on school nights and always seemed to walk funny. After her sophomore year when the rest of the girls caught up to her, this chick started dating guys her own age and BLEW THEIR FRICKIN’ MINDS. She then moved on to freshman, and ended up a lesbian.

Lola is the cute but not hot, talented but not great, not a nerd but not cool girl who seems to be everywhere
You know the chick. She was on the debate team, volleyball and swimming team, in student politics and volunteered for a lot. Although you’ve met her before, she probably doesn’t go to your parties, so you don’t know each other like THAT, but you do talk to her after practice and on the way to early workout while she heads to debate. She’s safe, doesn’t really stand out and very approachable. In three years she blooms, marries a buff rich dude and comes to your reunion looking like a princess, but acting like a commoner.

Fair Trade is the baghead blonde with the hot body who’s down with older, punk dudes right now but will buy you beer and drink it with you
This is the cool older sister type who was a little too close to you and your friends. There was an incident once where everyone saw her masturbating and you’re not entirely sure she didn’t do it on purpose. This chick is approachable, is liked by most people and always seem older than she really is. If she went to prom, she’d probably be on the court but would never want to. In college, she discovered that she’s a lesbian and now bodysurfs for a living.

Starbucks is the alumnus who is now a backer for the new gym and technology center but who everyone hates because she’s a chick and they think they can do better
Not even going to get into this one. Without Starbucks, there wouldn’t be so many people willing to pay premium prices for stuff most people could make almost as good at home.

Cartel Coffee Lab is the valedictorian who’s not really good at sports but wins student body president by actually campaigning and is actually pretty good at it, but not many people really care because it’s not a huge deal
This overachiever knows just about everything about anything. She’s always dressed in the latest fashions, even though she’s kinda lanky, flat-chested with small hips. You can always get an answer from her, no matter the question, but she often sneers at you when you ask too simple of one. If she was a guy, you’d think she’d be president, but as a chick you see her as the overbearing head of the PTA. She knows what’s right and doesn’t care that no one else does.

Giant Coffee is the rich foreign girl who’s secretly dating the European hockey player but tries very hard to act normal around her pupils and parents
She’s exotically hot, speak at least three languages and is often hard to reach, but goddamn she’s great. Because her parents live a long ways from school, you hardly ever see her outside of school, but she always shows up Monday morning looking super rough with a slight grin on her face, as she knows most of us would be able to handle how awesome her life would be if she were 25. She doesn’t go to college and ends up collateral damage during a drug raid in some far off country.

Conspire Coffee is the girl that everyone hangs out with but never at the same time and smokes pot with you although you’d never admit it and draws most of the time
Yeah, I just described a hippie. Dude(ette)s, hippies rule. The world could use more hippie communes that smoke a lot of weed and do LSD and a lot less saloons, taverns and college bars that promote massive alcohol consumption in an effort to make us forget the shitty lives we live in. Anyway, this chick hangs with stoners, can skate and wears hemp as a fashion statement. Everyone visits her like they do a priest: never at the same time and always quietly.

The winner is you!