For either the seventh or eighth time in just 18 months, I hurt myself so badly that the back rub to fix it requires a recovery period. Multiple muscles hurt in all kinds of spots. My lower right back had two knots on top of each other, my middle back was stretched to the point that my masseuse said something like “that’s a common area for pain, but I had to do way more than usually to get those out, you need to stretch more”, my left shoulder was pulling, my right shoulder had intermittent shocks, my right hamstring was so tight I almost couldn’t straighten the leg out, and my left quad was so unknowingly tight I near jumped off the table when she touched it.

This is how life has been for me for about the past two years. Lots of pain, short period of partial recovery, then different injuries all seemingly connected to the same spot on my back. It often feels like my body is spiraling into itself, being pulled into that six-inch area right along my lower right spine.

It hasn’t always been this way, but it’s always hurt. I first noticed the pain in 2014, as it had progressed to the point where a massage and/or a few days off didn’t cure it anymore. It hurt when I played tennis, it would hurt after I ran, it would hurt after I worked out doing body-weight only exercises; but it always went away as long as I took self care somewhat seriously.

But in 2015, after a few stalking incidents, and 2016, after I stopped taking my psych meds, the pain morphed into something more than a response to physical activity, and more as a response to a high-alert level. It was October 2015 when the pain first reached a crescendo: something popped in my lower back and I could stand or lay down straight for a week. Healthy amounts of rest and cannabis helped that go away, but now eight months after my Portland chiro eliminated a knot (by shoving it really hard, surprising me and delighting my back to be from the pain), it came back to the point where I was having trouble turning either direction.

Not yoga, not daily short-distance running, not 2x/day stretching could have prevented this. I’m causing this, or to be more precise, my fear is causing this. Sports and similar activities are what I’ve been using to treat the symptoms – cannabis did that too — maybe now I can finally figure out how to identify and heal the causes.

I wish massages were covered by insurance.