The following article has been shared repeatedly be every cider-related person I know for the past few days.

Hard Apple Cider — Is It Manly?

Alcohol for men shouldn’t taste like juice; fruit flavors were defined as intrinsically “feminine” when Eve scarfed down that apple while Adam was BBQing bratwursts and earning all the family income. In my buddy’s opinion, cider is just a short hop/skip/jump from Mike’s Hard Lemonade or Smirnoff Ice, the ultimate signifiers of beta male-ness, more so than even the shuffle-foot mumbly awkwardness around women or using Billy Bibbit-y, fluttery hand gestures while talking. Apple cider being potentially high in ABV doesn’t justify it; a cosmo can be strong, but you wouldn’t see Ndamukong Suh aggressively tossing one of ‘em back.

Let’s take this article apart one piece at a time.

First, are fruit flavors feminine?
Uhhh…sometimes? I’ve seen men drink apple juice and orange juice, eat watermelons and grapes, and suck down cherries and apricots. Whatever your screwed up definitions of masculinity and femininity are, they shouldn’t include flavors. I guess you COULD say that margaritas, cosmopolitans and other fruity mixed drinks tend to be ordered by more women, but that’s probably because women are smart enough to realize beer makes them bloated and farty, something too many men accept as normal.

Is cider the same as Smirnoff Ice or Mike’s Hard Lemonade?
Sure, if you’re talking mass-market ciders made from concentrate, they absolutely are. But I shouldn’t need to explain to anyone “manly” enough to drink craft beer that the difference between stuff like Hornsby’s, Angry Orchard and Woodchuck compared to anything from Rev Nat, Schilling, Bushwhacker’s or Outcider is akin to putting Bud Light against whatever flavor-of-the-month hoppy IPA they’re drinking is almost apples and oranges. If you still claim it’s not the same, you simple do not know enough about and have not tasted many ciders.

But you wouldn’t see Ndamukong Suh tilting one back!
Fuck Ndamukong Suh. If your definition of manliness compares to an extremely violent idiot who cheap shots other players and runs his car into a tree, I surely don’t want you drinking a drop of fine, fine cider. Either update your understanding of manliness from the 1950’s or continue choking down the expensive Scotch you pretend to like.

But, but BIG alcohol companies are marketing to men!
You’re correct, companies like MillerCoors are now promoting a hard cider toward us males, which means that EXISTING cider is obviously female, right? RIGHT? Bud Light Platinum is also marketed toward guys, as was Dr. Pepper 10. Any of you feel manlier after drinking that shit?

Gender stereotypes are stupid. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to stock up on high ABV, canned cider for a floating trip. We’re getting three kinds of Schilling, along with BrightCider and Uncle John’s — why those?

So both my wife and I can enjoy them. Can you say the same about your “manly” drink of choice?