The Champ, blogging at VerySmartBrothas.com, is a treasure trove of humor. Hilarious reading every damn time he posts, and this is from a white guy who grew up in the Northwest who has very little knowledge of what I would consider black culture, namely the southern and east coast states, where what seems like a majority of black people live. His latest, Questions You’ve Always Wanted To Ask A White Person, prompted my ass to get out of bed and write back.
Now you know (that was my attempt at sounding black, but f*** it) my answers got to be a little too long, so I’m going to take them up here and add my questions I’ve always wanted to ask a black person. If you’re easily offended, stop reading right now and go oppress some other race.
1. Do you think and talk about us as much as we think and talk about you?
Nope. Very rarely do people of any race come up in a conversation centered around such. Those of us who grew up in the corners of the US feel a little weird when the room is 99% white, but it’s not a thing.
2.”Why are (an admittedly small but still sizable percentage of) you all so obsessed with being able to say “nigger”?
Because they think that by trying to act like or oppress black people, they can be like them. Many white people really, really want to be black. Not friends with blacks, but actually black. To them, being black is cool. Which is weird, because most people think what black people do or say is cool and want to emulate, not straight imitate, them. Also, racists love showing their ignorance.
3. What’s the deal with young white women and cigarettes?
White women are very impressionable. Because they don’t have any cultural heritage to draw from, they turn to Hollywood. People magazine is the white people’s barbershop.
4. Is there a person whose art induces as much of a stark difference in opinion from “educated” whites as Tyler Perry does from “educated” blacks?
F*** Dane Cook. F*** most of the reality TV bullshit that comes out.
5. We know how black men feel about being stereotyped as violent and hyper-sexual and how black women feel about being thought of as perpetually aggressive and antagonistic, but how do white men feel about being accused by many as the root, cause, catalyst, and impetus behind all the world’s evils?
Not a helluva lot we can do about this.
6. Generally speaking, are you as concerned with definitions of “whiteness” and staying true to it as many of us are with blackness?
Nope. We’re way more ashamed to be white than anything else. What the hell is whiteness, anyway?
7. Aside from what’s usually cited (black music, soul food, the exuberance exhibited at many of our churches, Tracy Morgan, etc) is there anything about African-American culture you genuinely envy?
Lots of white people think most black people are friends just because they’re black. Whether or not this is actually true, we’re still jealous of it. Seldom will you see a white guy get into a group because he’s white.
8. Do you code-switch?
Had to look that one up and no. We stick to one language, because we assume everyone should speak it. If I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about, then pretend I never asked this question.
9. Why don’t most of you all seem to be as scared to death of harmless germs as we are?
I think we accept being sick as some kind of punishment we all must face. That and we know the white doctors will be sure to save us.
10. Kate Moss? No, seriously: Kate Moss?
No, that’s Hollywood.
Now for questions I’ve always wanted to ask a black person….
1. Are you really friends with people just because you’re all black?
I’m going to assume that you must have more in common than skin color, but I sure as hell don’t know what it is.
2. How much does it suck to be a poor athlete?
Seeing as how most of society expects you to be able to dunk, what’s it like being an average athlete?
3. Do other black people really look down or shun you because you talk white?
You know what I mean here. Is it really even talking or acting white?
4. What the hell is up with Ebonics? Was that planned?
5. Do you actually like white women or do you like that they like you?
Again, broad assumption here, but it seems to be true more often than not.
6. Does it ever piss you off that you have to shape, rather than style, your hair?
While this seems convenient, it seems that it would get old after a while.
7. What is the f***ing deal with you and ice or water?
From what I gather, black people tend to use lotion more often than white people, meaning water SHOULD bead off a bit more. This obviously doesn’t matter in a pool, but why are you so afraid of it? Why no hockey? There are black people in Canada, right?
8. Are barbershops as cool in real life as they are shown on TV?
I really don’t know. Help me out here.
9. Why are you so concerned with your blackness?
What does it even mean to keep it real if you didn’t grow up in the ‘hood or in a gang? Is that even a part of being black?
10. Why do none of your TV shows have at least a token white guy?
White shows are careful to have token characters from every race, but most black shows star only black people. Are they really places where you NEVER interact outside your race?
Would love to know your comments, regardless of race, ethnicity or gender, but don’t be a dick. And if you think you’re being a dick, you probably are, so don’t do it.